after the rain

you know those crisp, clear nights that always follow a storm or heavy rain? those nights that are so nice that it makes having endured those days of wetness almost worth it? well, they are my favorite. everything smells better, looks more lush and feels more healthy. when i was little, i was under the impression that the weather would change with my mood just like a mood ring. it made me feel really powerful because whenever i was sad, it would rain. whenever i was angry, it would be an overcast day. and whenever i was happy, it would be sunny out. i guess, in a sense, that mentality hasn't really changed. don't get me wrong, i know that my mood doesn't affect the weather but more so that the weather somewhat affects my mood. this much-needed break from the rain brought a little more light to the dark, twisted place i was in. so cheers!

cheers to: clear nights, best friends, my dance family, korean dramas, lunar eclipses, winter break, and smart phones.

boo to: work, not needing to go "bra shopping", heartache, sleep deprivation, and the scary things in life.

clover, wishbone, penny

i am in desperate need of a four-leaf clover. or the bigger half of the wishbone. or the lincoln side of the penny. because lately, i've been feeling like one of those cartoon characters that is constantly being followed by a rain cloud over their head. sometimes i'll feel like the cloud has finally found someone better to annoy but as soon as i look up to check, one pesky drop of water somehow escapes and reminds me that its owner has not left. because i am not particularly fond of this illustration, i always try to avoid instances that could bring upon this rain cloud. i mean, i wouldn't call myself an extremely superstitious person but if i can refrain from stepping on a crack while i walk or not knocking over some salt at a restaurant, i will. despite being careful about these sorts of things, i feel like someone stuck a "kick me" sign on my back and everyones taking turns honoring that sign. too many similes and metaphors i know, but i guess that's just how i feel like ranting right now. i need that four-leaf clover because i cannot sleep. i am so worn down and mentally exhausted that i am craving sleep but my body just won't let me. i am up until about 5 every morning until i force myself to close my eyes and pass out for a couple hours. i need the bigger half of the wishbone because i meet the wrong guys. you would think that two wrongs will make a right, but not for me. i meet two wrong guys, it just brings me more wrongs. and because of this, my trust issues are growing to massive proportions and the invisible wall i put up is getting much more visible than i would like. i need the lincoln side of the penny because i need all the luck i can get to dig myself out of the perpetual hole i've created because of all the stress, ridiculous people, and lack of motivation i have in my life. enough said. so if anyone stumbles upon a four-leaf clover, wishbone, or a lucky penny...send it my way? thanks.

just dance

lately i've found myself hanging out with my dance friends a lot. i don't know how it happens but i feel really lucky to be surrounded by such good company. my only regret is having met them so late. thanks to all of you for inspiring me to want to pursue dance more seriously. thank you for listening to my problems, making me laugh, and teaching me new things. love you all.


cheers to: dance, the Tech museum, psycho donuts, tricking, birthday parties, and dubstep

boo to: the fact that all good guys are either gay or taken

harry freaking potter

i am a mass communication major. what the hell am i suppose to do with that? the major itself is so broad and although that may seem like a good thing because i have a lot of options, i find it frustrating. recently, i've been really thinking of what i want to do in the future but all i could think of was stuff that i like to do. music, dance, write. sigh, sometimes i feel like a failure because all my interests do not add up to having a successful, well-paying job later on. why oh why can't i have fallen in love with science, math, or business? but then again, money doesn't mean happiness and i believe that as long as you are doing what you have sincere passion for and the means of obtaining the things necessary for living isn't too hard, you're doing okay. having calm myself down with that logic, i am comfortable saying that at the moment, i want to be a music/the arts/food critic. something along the lines of that? not your usual "i want to be a doctor, police officer, or teacher" response but screw normal. what better way to practice and establish my credibility than on my blog right? i thought so! so here goes.



midnight premieres usually aren't my cup of tea. long lines and overly crazed fans just aren't worth enduring to watch a movie that will be playing in theaters for the next two weeks anyway. but i have been a loyal customer of the harry potter midnight showings ever since the beginning and for a good reason. you would think that for a movie that requires so many special effects and editing that the book would turn out to be a lot better than movie such as the case for Twilight but it wasn't. the book actually considers the movie its equal. the actors match the description almost perfectly. the setting for the movie is spectacular. and the editing and special effects are insanely real. all of the harry potter movies have these qualities in common but the seventh harry potter movie surpassed the rest. everyone knows that it is hard to cap off such an amazing series especially if most of its characters are dying and to tell you the truth, i didn't think this movie would be all that great because of all the hype but boy was i wrong. i was mesmerized, scared, happy, sad...all in one movie. i will not spoil anything for those silly enough to not have read the book or watch the movie but let me just say this, i am so glad that this movie wasn't in 3d. not just because it is ridiculous that all the movies nowadays are becoming 3d even when it isn't necessary but because it was legitimately scary at times.

i am obsessed to the point that i want to watch it again when its not 2 in the morning and my eyes want to shut extremely badly so as to take in even more detail. this movie even satisfied the expectation of the crazy fan dressed as luna lovegood that sat in front of me, so it's safe to say that this movie definitely needs to be seen by everyone. lover of all that is harry potter or not. this is definitely cinematography at its best!

congrats to david yates and j.k. rowling for creating something so brilliant.

guy in the blue jacket

i don't know if its just my judgmental nature or my knack for noticing small unnecessary details but i tend to find a lot of quirks about people that bother me. little pet peeves. annoying mannerisms. stupid habits. i know that i have my share of them but goddamn, there are some inconsiderate and obnoxious people in there world. like today for example. before i even went into work today, i knew it was going to be crazy and hectic considering it was only about 60 degrees outside. cold day plus our hot ramen and soup equals a buttload of customers. with that in mind, i also knew that even though we have a perfectly respectable sign that states our maximum capacity is 55, our lovely customers will try to huddle inside of our store to hide from the cold. which brings me to my story.

as i was filling water cups, i noticed that our restaurant started to smell of cigarette smoke and i quickly glanced up to see what imbeciles were causing the entire store to reek. [side note: i'm not trying to bash on smokers because i know many lovely people that smoke and its whatever. i really don't care. it's when people are inconsiderate of others when they smoke that i have a problem] when i finally spotted the culprits, mr. tan jacket, mr. black jacket, and ms. wears too much make up, i got genuinely angry. most of the time when i catch people smoking and stinking up our store, they are just smoking too close to the door and i kindly ask them to move. but these three were ridiculous. the cold weather and their incessant need to smoke allowed them to fall into the habit of standing inside the restaurant with their stogs and just opening the door when they needed to blow out and closing it when they didn't. believe me, my jaw could not have dropped any lower. i mean, seriously? don't even take in the fact that there is a law stating that you must be 20 feet away from any store when smoking but there are families dining in our restaurant. families that include children. what has this world come to. before these three could feel the wrath of my verbal abuse, a guy in a blue jacket from a table of four stood up and sternly asked them to either leave or put out their cigarettes. that might seem like a simple gesture to most people but i wanted to hug the man. it's easy to say that if you saw someone being careless or inconsiderate, you would do something about it, but when the situation presents itself, people usually look the other way. it's nice to know that someone had the decency and balls to tell someone off, even at the risk of retaliation.

so thank you, guy in the blue jacket. you have given me some hope for mankind now.

oh the little things

this was adorable so i had to take a short break from my studying and post it

[20:55] croissant06: you're online!!!
[20:55] croissant06: this seems so rare
[20:55] croissant06: that even tho i'm about to party and put away my laptop
[20:55] croissant06: i felt obliged to IM you
[20:55] croissant06: and say that I miss you
[20:55] croissant06: kk byee ^^

i don't really know why, but that made me smile. i love how little things like that can make all the difference.

solitude

i can't deal with people. their bizarre mannerisms, their immaturity, their logic, their reasoning, their thought process. with each passing day i feel like the amount of people i can tolerate slowly shrinks. i used to think that being alone was unbearable and completely depressing but now i think of it as a luxury. going off and doing your own errands by yourself, no rush, no pressure. being home alone, reading a book or watching tv with no one nagging you. not having to decipher people's motivations or intentions because all you have to understand is yourself. that is sheer bliss my friends. sigh sigh sigh. human beings are such horrible creations. too competitive, too heartless, too manipulative. on a lighter note, this makes me appreciate the people i feel are genuine. people i feel safe around, people i can trust, people that make me laugh. although that population is very small, it's better than being non-existent right?

cheers to: good books, naps, Helen Koh, carrots & cherry tomatoes, flight 2212, and moleskine notebooks

boo to: school, bastards, and everything else

hakuna matata

i seriously love lion king. no joke.

screw all the unfortunate souls that have such boring lives that they feel the need to start all those rumors and post all those pictures stating that disney is perverted for sticking subtle sexual innuendos in their movies. have you ever thought that you people are just as twisted and messed up because you guys go looking for those kinds of things? i mean seriously, go find a better hobby. i grew up with these movies so don't hate.

i had completely forgotten my intense infatuation with classic disney movies until yesterday when my friend and i watched it together via skype. when i was younger, all i could really understand was the story line and which character was which. now that i'm older i find that i notice a lot of different things that i never caught back in the day. one thing in particular made me love this movie even more. the freaking soundtrack. oh my goodness. i mean i've always known i was a music nerd and i like "old people" aka classical music but you just can't deny how amazing the soundtrack is. it's so pretty and breathtaking. this goes on the bucket list too, i want to perform this soundtrack with an amazing orchestra. music seriously keeps me sane.

along with my newfound love for the soundtrack, i have also come to realize lately that i've become an angry, resentful, and emotional person. this movie just brought me back to the time where the only worry on my mind was what's for lunch. where the only thing i hated was going to bed early. and where the only thing i would cry over was sad parts in movies. i miss simplicity. i miss hunkering down in the living room to watch a disney movie with my mom, my sister, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. i miss my problem free philosophy. this goes without saying but growing up really does suck, but at the risk of sounding too much like peter pan, i will stop there.

sick of it all

currently listening to: secrets by one republic

anyone who knows me, knows that i am a person who shares what i'm feeling and what i'm thinking so frequently and with so much detail that it comes close to the brink of unnecessary. it's how i find relief amongst all the chaos, troubles, stress, and pain. i go to the people i trust the most, venting until i'm red in the face and after each habitual rant, it feels like they are carrying part of the weight with me. but lately my back is aching and shaking from all the weight i'm carrying and as hard as i try, i can't feel the same kind of relief. when you're at this kind of dead end like me, i guess anything that seems like it would help is worth a shot right? so here goes my rant. i am sick of going to work everyday, getting emotionally and physically shredded to nothing, and then crying on my drive home because of pure frustration. i am sick of dealing with intellectually stunted, narrow-minded, inconsiderate, immature people on a daily basis. i am sick of not being able to sleep because the thoughts in my head will not stop racing. i am sick of constantly being worried and scared out of my mind about situations that are beyond my control. and i am absolutely sick of having a trust issue so deep and insane that i start questioning everything and everyone around me. i've seriously had enough.

on cloud thirteen

screw cloud nine, i've surpassed that. this week has been an emotional roller coaster, straight up. i've never felt sudden bursts of happiness, sadness, frustration, and anger occur simultaneously before and it is maddening.

cheers to: my best friends, my sjys family, classical music, swimming pools, dance movies, hot dogs, ice cream, and singing in the car.

boo to: saying goodbye, headaches, not possessing the ability to burp on command, and feet.

don't let it get to you

this past week has made me realize how many male chauvinistic pigs there are in the world. first off, in the work environment. i mean come on, how unprofessional and ridiculous is that? to have the kitchen staff howling, hooting, and touching you in a very inappropriate way makes the work environment that was already stressful and tough to begin with, even worse. i'm normally a person who does not like confrontation and if it is something that can just blow over, i usually let it go. but this week, they seriously crossed a very obvious line and i couldn't ignore it. after all, this is my body and i decide how i want to be treated. you would think that after giving them several warnings and stern glances, they would get the hint but nope, they just leveled up in their creepiness and kept going at it. not only is this demeaning but disrespectful and very infuriating. my mentality at this point was that if they weren't going to listen to what i was trying to say, they would have to understand it at a louder volume. after my screaming session, they now don't look me in the eye when i talk to them and they make it impossible for me to do my job correctly. one of my co-workers told me to not let all of this get to me and just to let it go, but how can i? every day i go to work i expect nothing less than to be treated professionally and with respect but this is not the case at all. the kitchen staff are people i have to deal with constantly because it is a restaurant and i literally cringe every time i have to walk into the kitchen. no exaggeration needed. i mean, work shouldn't be like that right? another one of my co-workers, after carefully inspecting my face, told me to tell our manager about this. but i can't do that either. he would just lecture the kitchen staff and this temporary tension would become permanent. this kind of mistreatment may seem miniscule but it is not okay with me and i feel stuck. i don't know what to do.

and to add onto my frustration and very negative outlook on these type of people, the torment does not stop there. the other day, i was hanging out with my friends at a park and we were walking to our cars, a truck full of these bastards started whistling at us and making their annoying presence, very well-known. i was pissed, i mean are you freaking kidding me? where is your dignity man? you're what, 40 years old? and you're trying to get at 18 and 19 year olds? are you kidding me? is it because you can't get women your own age or are you just a dirty pervert like that? goddamn, grow up and learn some manners, please. and as if to add insult to injury, today as my sister and i walked from our car into the house, some workers that were straightening out my neighbors lawn decided to take a very unnecessary break from their work and started yelling inappropriate comments at my sister. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? where are the decent guys in this world? i never took myself to be a misandrous person but right now, i don't think i'm too far off. so go polish that shiny badge of yours boys, you've officially made me despise the male species as of right now, congratulations.

ignorance is bliss

today, i went to the park with one of my friends which isn't anything unusual for us and is practically our favorite pastime. i mean, sitting around in good weather and talking for hours, is what we do best. we share everything...feelings, thoughts, vents...everything. which is why i felt comfortable enough to tell her something that she might not want to hear or like to hear, but she needed to know nonetheless. she ended up getting kind of agitated over it and that led to me getting worked up over the entire situation. also feeling the need to make her feel better and to just drop the situation i all but too quickly regretted bringing up. which leads me to the phrase "ignorance is bliss" or is it? we go through our lives trying to decipher whether being left in the dark in a crappy situation is the best thing or if being let in on the honesty is better. to be straight, i still have no idea, even with my own preference. i like it when people are honest with me, even if it takes me a while to recover from the bluntness or harshness of it. because hey, at least i know right? but then again, maybe there are some things that are just better left unsaid, untouched, and just forgotten. to each its own i guess.

just keep swimming

even though i still have one more week of finals to go, i actually got a good taste of what summer should actually be like today. my friend and i went swimming and it was probably the most innocent fun i've had in a while. yay for swim parties, floating mat thingys, and best friends. most people our age would think that drinking, smoking, or going clubbing is the most "legit" type of fun out there, i would have to disagree. spending the day wandering around a toy store with your best friend, trying to find stuff for the pool, soaking up some rays and chlorine in the process, and winding down with anthony bourdain, kimchi, and some ramen is the way to go. partying is nice occasionally but some good old fashion fun is more thrilling in my eyes.

cheers to: pool parties, best friends, the travel channel, simple pleasures, ramen & kimchi.

boo to: only having 24 hours in a day.

sticks and stones

"screw what they think" "who cares?" "you think too much" "why do you worry so much?" believe it or not, i probably hear these four phrases more in a day then my own name. which leads me to this slightly terrifying thought. "what kind of person have i become?"

when i was younger. i honestly could care less of what people thought of me. i would wear what i like. eat what i like. and be whatever made me happy and comfortable. now that i'm older i feel like i have this wall up all the time that interferes with people's abilities to get to know me. the wall may lower from time to time with certain people or it might completely deteriorate, but only for a moment. with each day and every obstacle i face, the wall gets stronger, higher, and harder to break. someone bring me some dynamite, please.

today was a bad day

bucket list

1. watch the sun rise and set with the same person

2. have my own place with the besties

3. laugh until i cry, and then some

4. be in a dance crew

5. compose my own piece for an orchestra

6. audition for the san francisco symphony

(list in progress)

fireworks

cheers to:

- wonderful friends

- amazing fireworks

- warm nights

- summer dresses

- besties comfortable enough to pop a squat in front of you

boo to:

- horrible drivers on narrow roads

- getting your keys locked in your car

- summer school

those lazy hazy crazy summer days

basking in the sun

my goodness, what is in the water these days? lately, i've been feeling so content that i catch myself humming from time to time. on a impossibly lighter note, i've also been catching myself daydreaming a lot. now perhaps it's because i spend about six hours confined to a musty, old classroom when i could be elsewhere or maybe it's all this warm, summery weather that's getting to my head. whichever it is, i actually don't mind it all that much. these daydreams actually remind me of how lucky i am. my daydreams allowed me to go back to the picnics, car rides, park adventures, long walks, beach days we've had. today's daydream in particular wasn't as pleasant but allowed me to relive possibly the worst fight i've ever had with my friend. looking back at it, the argument seems rather silly and unnecessary, but at the moment, every word seemed scary and threatening. i remember nothing seemed to mean much anymore because we weren't friends at the moment. as much as i despise fighting with my friends, i am a strong believer in that they actually help friendships become stronger and more real. i know, sounds crazy, but it's true.

now because there are very few people in my life that i actually care enough to fight with and because i have trust issues, i don't have very many best friends. but once you're in my inner circle, sorry man, it's virtually impossible to leave it. these people are my people. they are my secret-keepers, my good news sharers, my listen-to-every-damn-rant-i-have listeners, my crutches, and just about everything else i need. they are it. i never needed to be reminded that they are truly genuine and have my back, but with all the crap that i went through with people this year, that confirmation is set in stone and all of the toughest materials known to man combined. and for that i am grateful and super blessed to have such great company.

thanks niggas, you know who you are.

hit-and-run

i would just like to say to the bitch that fucking hit my car and ran. screw you. i fucking hate people like you. karma will bite you in the ass very soon, hope you're ready. where are the decent people in this world? it's common courtesy to write a note with your information on it so you can pay for the damage you have caused an innocent bystander. what the hell am i suppose to do? a perfectly good car is now scratched and dented just because i happened to park my car next to some idiot. i mean, grow some balls please. take responsibility for your own actions and don't try to screw someone else over. punk-ass. sigh.

sing sing sing

my piano teacher once told me that music is a scapegoat for when we can't describe how we feel and that music is essentially what feelings "sound like". i have carried this quote in my head ever since then and i apply it to anything musical that i happen to come across. almost always, this statement makes a lot of sense. i see my fellow orchestra musicians when they play solos or when we all play together and their sense of passion and emotions work very well with the piece we are playing. or i see my friends singing or dancing to music and their emotions match what they are doing as well. today, this statement fails me. it is so ridiculously mind-boggling that i am still scratching my head as to how...

(i literally stared at my computer screen for 10 minutes and i have no words to describe how i feel).

taking this statement into consideration for the concert i went to today, i can honestly say that i have no idea what these performers must have been feeling. pitchy? out of tune? or just plain ugly? trust me, my brutal list can go on and on. i will spare you the gory details but the gist of it is, by the end of this concert, my ears were bleeding, my brain was melting, and my eyes were tearing up (not out of joy or sadness, more like when you are peeling onions and the pain is unbearable). what a mind-numbing experience.

why hello there,

long time no see my beautiful blog. i plan on updating you a lot more from now on but because i just got off a nine hour shift at work and i'm about to ptfo...i will start tomorrow! haha

셋

if i truly, truly think about it. i haven't been happy in a really long time. i've felt short bursts of happiness or have been happy at the moment but it has never lasted more than a couple days. i remember back in high school where i would be happy for months at a time. i miss those days. i want to obtain certain things or i want certain things to occur and they never seem to turn out in my favor. my friend told me that this is a way of testing my faith. testing my strength. and testing what kind of person i am. and while what he says makes sense and while i really want to come out of this test on the positive side, i just can't help but think why don't i deserve long-term happiness. why can't he be the person i want him to be for me.

how can a single person bring you so up and so down.

saint valentine

so tomorrow is valentine's day. according to google, valentine's day is a annual holiday that takes place every february 14th celebrating love and affection between intimate companions. the very definition of february 14th is so ironic, fifty percent of the worlds population that are in love actually appreciate this holiday while the other fifty dreads and despises this day. the constant worry on everyone's minds is how to make this day more momentous than any other. how to show your significant other how much you love them with numerous displays of chocolates, cards, or flowers. and if you just happen to not have a significant other to celebrate with, well, you are condemned to a day filled with eating pints of ice cream, watching sad movies, and crying your eyes out. what kind of fucking holiday is this. people are either worried about how to prove their love for one another or worried about spending this holiday alone. i think we all had it right when we were in elementary school. each year, before valentine's day, we would all decorate a shoebox to our liking and start preparing valentine's day cards and candy for everyone in the class. on the card we would always personalize our cards with a simple message or even just a sticker in addition to their names. this was a day that everyone looked forward to and no one had to feel left out or alone. it's weird to see people grow out of good habits

dear god,

why do bad things always happen to me?

rant numero dos

i absolutely hate drama. it is probably the worst thing that two single human beings can engage in. there is no happy ending, no feelings resolved, and no stronger friendship that comes with drama. sure, you personally might feel better after verbally abusing the other but is it really worth it? i just don't know about anything anymore. i hate people who talk shit when you actually trust them and respect them enough to keep your own feelings to yourself. i hate people who are fake and act like you are their best friend when in actuality, you guys aren't even that close. i hate people who have this crazed mindset of making as many friends as possible, i mean really, is it worth it? to be surrounded by billions of people who don't care about you at all while the people who actually care about you are being thrown aside for your "new found friends".  i hate people who take their own insecurities and try to put other people down just to make themselves feel better. i hate people who change for the worst. 

a moment of grace

revelations

- i have come to realize recently that to measure one's happiness isn't by quantity but by the quality of friends and i am truly thankful for all the wonderful people in my life who have helped me grow into the person i am now. both intellectually and emotionally.

- what am i so afraid of everything for? i have never thought of myself as someone who was scared of everything or everyone. i have never thought of myself as a push-over. why am i so afraid to go for it? what do i have to lose? this is something i really must work on. 

- twenty-ten is a near year. a brand new start. i have to appreciate this gracious offer and start using it to my advantage. this year will be different.

sky's not the limit

It is not length of life, but depth of life. - Waldo Ralph Emerson

Lately, I've been listening to amazing or really extreme anecdotes from my friends about things that have happened to them and I can't help but get extremely jealous. Upon listening to their stories, it all sounds really fun and crazy but after a while I start to wonder to myself, am I living the right way? I mean, college life is all about partying, having fun, enjoying your years before you have to really grow up, get a job, and all that stuff. But I feel as though I have already skipped my fun years and went straight to the responsibility years. All I ever do, if not catching up on sleep, is studying for school, actually being at school, or working my butt off while my friends are out on dates, at parties, or having a great time. Has my life really come to this? Have I really become a person who lives vicariously through someone else? This thought alone has been tearing me inside out and I really don't know if I'm handling my life right. To me school is very important but so is having fun and being around my friends. I need someone to tell me that I'm doing okay, almost as much as I want myself to believe that I'm doing okay.

hello 2010

new years resolution. i always try to keep it but i either forget about it or i just never do it. but this year will be different.

#1. be a better person

#2. follow my passions

#3. do well in school

#4. meet interesting and amazing new people

#5. find someone special

happy twenty-ten everyone :)